A Few Good Men.

I am tryin out new Friday Follows Today- One of my favorite blogger friends, Laura, i.e. the Purse Blogger wrote something super sweet about me in her interview with FF. She has a Fabulous Blog that you should check out if you haven't already! =)

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As most of you know, the main reason I started this blog was to update family and friends about my kiddos.

...or more-so, to document all the ridiculous things that they say and do every week. I have not written about them in a coon's age, so I know y'all must be dying to know what they have been up to.


Because I don't want to write another novel (sorry about the last post... geeeeez.)


I will simply give you the Highlights:

#3: The Sweetest Moment-


While I was making breakfast the other day, I hear the boys climbing on the table and Nolan says, "Come on guys, put your hands in..."


I turn around and see this:







Then they all start saying "All for one, and one for all!"


Cutest. darn. thing. I ever seen. (I am guessing they had a 3 musketeers special on Dora that day =)


They actually play great together when no one is paying attention...

Look at Nolan helping them out of their "house" i.e. the hole in the front yard that we should probably get filled in one of these days.

What a sweetheart he can be =)

#2: "Thinks he's funny" Moment:

After finishing a nice cook-out dinner at the beach and cleaning up, my family and I were sitting around the living room and (my 2 year old) Reese walks over, his mouth slap full of something...

I say, "ummm, Reese baby, what are you eating?"

He replies, "Cheeeeeeese-buger!!" (everyone laughs)

I say, "oh, really... where did you get that cheeseburger?"

He replies(with a huge grin on his face), "CHAASSSS-CANN!"

(everyone laughs harder as I try to pull the remaining trash-can burger from his hand.)





And #1: The Most Disgusting Moment (Another Reese story of course... if you have a weak stomach or don't have kids yet, you might want to stop reading here.)

Reese pooped in his potty... yeah... not. celebrating. that one.

Why you may ask?

Because immediately after pooping in his kiddy potty, he reached in, picked it all up, and set it on the floor.

THEN, as I was cleaning up said floor, the grossest kid ever Mr. Reese decided to sneak into MY bathroom (diaper-less of course) and proceeds to poop... again. then plays in poop. then wipes poop all over cabinets and white hand towels. then opens drawers and plays with mommy's toiletries and jewelry with poop-covered fingers.

and he did ALL of this in a matter of minutes...

It was like this horrible scene from a sitcom that you just couldn't imagine ever happening in real-life. I don't even have a weak stomach... but dude, the kid has made me dry-heave more times than I can count.

Poor little guy, he has some serious embarrassing stories coming his way when he is a teenager.

I almost feel bad about it. ;)

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Honesty.

Home today... just home.

Goose is at work, then band practice tonight, so I have the whole day to myself... can't say that I am all that excited about it.

June 3rd… just had to be a Thursday too didn't it?

Exactly 6 months from the day we said hello and goodbye to our sweet baby girl. The date probably hasn't crossed my sweet hubby’s mind... and that’s okay. When it comes to Evie, I have a very inward thought and grief process. I just deal with it on my own because honestly, that is what is most comfortable to me. Goose is there for me when I need to talk (or simply need a shoulder to sob on)... I don’t expect him to go through the exact same emotions. Of course, he misses Evie and grieves her, but he only got to meet her for a day… I had almost 9 months with her, and as most moms know, the baby bond starts long before the actual birth.

I am sure you all have noticed by my horrible blogging habits… I have become increasingly impatient with sitting still and hanging out online. Most days I load the boys up and head out: to the grocery store, the park, family/friends house... it gets my mind off of things.

Being left alone with my thoughts was getting me nowhere. I have found with emotional pain, there is no “working it out.” Grief isn’t like a test where you do the homework, read the books, study real hard and at the end you wrap it up and make a good grade. You don’t go through the 5 stages and then move on with your life content and fulfilled. You are "moving on" from day one because, unfortunately, the world doesn’t stop revolving so that you can go cry into your pillow for six months.

The grief simply rides along as you go through the motions, eventually settling in, and you get used to life with this permanent ache. Some days it feels like a pounding migraine... and some days it's a little paper cut... but it's always there.

I look through Evie's “box” when I can… all her things from my shower and the hospital, blankets, pictures, notes and cards… I watched the DVD from the 3d ultrasound place we went to. Sometimes after losing a baby, you will hold on desperately to anything that makes them feel real...

reminding you that it wasn’t just a dream...

Seeing her moving around, yawning, crossing her legs… her heart beating in the video was beautiful…

She was here. She was alive.

It is hard sometimes, but I don't let myself dwell on the “if-onlys” because no matter how much time I spend sitting around thinking about having a 6 month old baby girl in the house right now, enjoying all the “firsts", making bottles, burping, and buying little jars of baby food… it doesn’t change the reality of what has happened.

I fully realize I will never stop missing her in this life.

The emptiness in my arms will always be there to some extent... the fact that Evie was my only daughter does make the loss more obvious. After having 3 boys, I wanted a girl so badly... the contrast between boys and girls is so dramatic and I know that raising a daughter would have made things very different for us as parents and for our little boys as big brothers.





So lately, when I feel overwhelmed... I just try to thank God for her, even on the days when I don’t feel very thankful… because that is all I can do... focus on the good moments… the love I feel for her and my boys… the love God showed us through the people in our lives. I am extremely grateful to everyone who reached out to us. I saved all the cards, emails, messages that we received. I find a lot of comfort in hearing that someone was touched by Evie’s story. It makes me happy to know that her short life had meaning to others outside of our family.

BTW, I was a terrible mess with thank you cards after the memorial service -I can’t remember who I sent what to- so please, please know, for everyone who came to see us, or sent flowers, meals, cards, prayers and hugs. We are eternally grateful and we will never forget your kindness. =)

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I realize this is a lot to keep inside and not talk about… but that is why I write. It frees me from having my feelings bottled up and cuts out the awkwardness of trying to talk about this stuff with someone who hasn’t been through it themselves.

The honest truth is, this blog started out as a way to let family and friends know what is going on with the pregnancy and our boys. After everything happened with Evie, it became an outlet (and often a distraction) for me to get through the days.

Lately, I have been wondering if I have the energy to keep up with it (seriously, I am not a technology lover… facebook, blogging, and twitter… sometimes it is too much for me).

Just writing though… that part is easy.

That is what I love.

Just telling my truths, spilling the thoughts that invade my mind day to day, wading through the experiences, dissecting who I am... and revealing my journey with God and where He has brought me over the past year... it is the best type of therapy.

I would like my blog to get back to that…

Raw. Simple. Honest.


(and of course I will have to add in some silly little boys’ stories, I know you have missed them!)


So that's where this blog is headed...


Hopefully y'all won't mind =)

getting in touch with nature

Beginning...

.

BFFs.




Beautiful.
.

Brushin.




Brother.








Fish.





Fire.





Freak.out.





Freezing.





Pouring.





PDA.




Perfect.